Alphabet of the mythical orgasm
Michael Higdon
As compensation for centuries of oppression, God allowed women several ways to enjoy multiple orgasms. Meanwhile, men get two ways to enjoy sex and one makes you gay in society’s eyes.
What the hell, God? What the hell?
To make matters worse, many women never enjoy orgasms. As if the Bible couldn’t include a brief outline on what to do and how to do it. At least we know who to blame for humanity’s problems.
Nonetheless, the lack of orgasms stems from ignorance about the “hot spots.” You can’t stimulate all five erogenous zones on a woman if you’re just lying on top of each other trying to start a fire, so here’s a starter kit:
A-SPOT (F)
As with most sexual topics, the medical world has yet to prove its existence. Orgasms and A-spots are mythical creatures likened to unicorns and Harry Potter. There’s also controversy over whether the A-spot is in a man or a woman.
Nonetheless, it’s more widely accepted as a section of sensitive tissue between the cervix and the bladder before the entrance to the uterus. So the only way to get there is with a hard hat and hip waders. Or a long penis — real or fake — that curves upward at the tip.
CLITORIS (F/M)
This little guy is a decent size though only part of it pokes out like a groundhog in Spring. The clitoris contains more than 8,000 pleasure nerves on the tip while the penis, the male clitoris, has half that.
Because a penis sticks out like a tree, it’s pretty easy to find. Just play with the head and the base and you’re pretty sure to excite a man.
Finding the clitoris in a woman is a bit harder as it tends to vary in size and amount of protective shielding. It’s on the outside top area of the vagina. Your guess is as good as mine on how to get it working: bite, lick, vibrate, flick, rub up and down or in circles, etc.
G-SPOT (F/M)
Both men and women have a G-spot. This one is known for inducing the best orgasms ending in ejaculation and crossed eyes for both genders.
In women, it’s in a similar position as the A-spot but within finger distance. Just curl someone’s fingers into a hook shape, point up toward the stomach, press down on the pelvic area and go crazy.
A man’s G-spot is really his prostate gland, accessible only through the anus. Using any number of well-lubricated penetration techniques, search for a small lump and push on it. This is medically used to “milk the prostate” for collecting semen samples and to check for prostate cancer. Everyone else just uses it for fun.
M-SPOT (F)
I found this one first, so I’m claiming the namesake. While looking for the G-spot, curl your fingers all the way back until you find — if it’s real — a small lump on the back of the pelvic bone. It’s like an inside clitoris. Think of me when you find it.
U-SPOT (F)
This one, in my experience, is the quickie button. Directly above the women’s urethra is patch of tissue that sometimes incites instant lubrication and arousal better than the slow-paced clitoris.
So men, get out your plastic medical vaginas and figure out how to stimulate them all for that multiple orgasm experience — aim for 10. And ladies, just because you “brought the vagina” doesn’t mean you’re work is done. Let’s have a little teamwork, OK?
Michael Higdon is a columnist for The Nevada Sagebrush. He can be reached at mikeman@nevadasagebrush.com.
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