How to dominate your partner 101

Monday, October 27, 2008 - 11:19 PM

Here’s a question from one of our readers. If you have any follow-up questions or other sex questions, e-mail the address at the end of this column. Everything is strictly confidential.

Dear Mike,

My partner recently confided in me that he is into role playing and likes to be dominated. I have never done anything like that, but am definitely willing to give it a try. My question is, how do I even get started? I’m having trouble creating the scenario and even imagining what I would say. How do you make your partner get on their knees and service you without laughing, or feeling horribly awkward?

-Newbie in Nye

Great question Newbie, you’ve gotten through the hardest step: communicating needs and wants.

Many couples deal with this step by avoiding the conversation, which can lead to unfulfilled sex lives, animosity, cheating and worst of all, no sex. But you don’t appear to have those problems.

Michael Higdon

For everyone else, don’t be a dick. Listen to your partner and don’t treat him or her like a freak because they like something you don’t.

First, you need a barometer for your preferences. It’s like playing house. You have to figure out who’s your daddy, who needs to be punished, how and why. Did the submissive lie, cheat, steal, back talk or something else? Does he/she need to be hit, yelled at, branded, humiliated, etc.?

For a first timer, it’s better to stick with a simple kink, with simple characters and props. The last thing you need is a complex system of pulleys bolted to the living room ceiling that you’ll never use again.

S&M is not for the spontaneous, so make sure you have what you need ahead of time: ropes, safety (EMT) scissors, toys, etc. But don’t be afraid to improvise; you don’t need a $100 sling and harness if you can buy $10 clothes line (proper bondage rope) at The Home Depot or a $20 riding crop from an equestrian store instead of a $50 one at the sex shop.

If you’re having trouble articulating a preference or imagining a fantasy, watch each other’s porn. If porn isn’t your thing, go to a friendly, well-rounded sex shop and look for gear. Talk to the staff; they usually know a lot about what they sell and how it works.

Prime the pump by sending sexy e-mails, text and phone messages. These allow you to test your partner and yourself with radical ideas to give each other a chance to answer thoughtfully instead of with involuntary grimaces or “eww, no!”This also helps build anticipation and get you in the mood to try new things.

Halloween is coming up, giving you the perfect excuse to go looking for costumes. If you want to be a cop, put on the uniform, replace the gun with a flogger, the mace with a blindfold and more. Get creative; play Death or a favorite celebrity.

If one of you is the teacher and the other is the student, make sure you know if the student is innocent and submissive, or bratty and rebellious. Then stick to it. Try not to break character unless someone yells the safe word. And if your boyfriend laughs, use that as an excuse to punish him. There’s nothing like real pain to stop you from laughing.

Mike Higdon can be reached at mikeman@nevadasagebrush.com.