Learn to flaunt the holiday weight
Foods to eat
Thanksgiving is a time for being with family, watching football and pigging out.
Family and football are pretty much a given, but there’s work to be done to achieve the status of “pigger-outer.”
It’s necessary to establish which foods are going to help you attain this status.
Turkey is the most obvious way to go. One serving of this scrumptious bird equals 280 calories and, more importantly, 13 grams of fat. After the first serving, don’t be afraid to go back for seconds. In fact, seconds, thirds and even fourths are required to become a “pigger-outer.”
Many calories can be burned off when walking back and forth from the table to the kitchen and back to the table to get more turkey. But do not fear. There is a lesser-known shortcut. It’s name: Turducken. It might sound like a type of venereal disease, but it’s actually a great source of fat.
Turducken is a small, deboned chicken stuffed in a small, deboned duck, which is then stuffed into a partially deboned turkey.
One serving of this bad boy holds 750 calories and 35 grams of fat.
While at the store picking up these three birds, don’t forget the stuffing.
There’s a reason they call it stuffing. It varies, but this high-carb turkey companion features about 360 calories and 18 grams of fat per cup.
Some alternative options are filling up on side dishes. Mashed potatoes (200 calories per serving), candied sweet potatoes (400 calories per cup), cranberry sauce (400 calories per cup) and pumpkin pie (450 calories per slice) are all extra ways to attain your goal.
Follow any variation of this and “pigger-outer” status will be achieved in no time.
How to flaunt it
Let’s face it. Achieving “pigger-outer” status is right up there with being awarded a Purple Heart and winning the World Series of Poker.
The extra weight is there, but letting everyone know it’s there is the real dilemma.
Don’t fret. That’s why God invented Spandex. This includes Under Armour and any other compression clothing.
This skin-tight gear is not only good for exercise and ballet dancers, it will also display every extra inch you added.
A more blatant way to go is just avoiding the clothing part altogether.
For guys, shirts are unnecessary. Is there a better way to show your added baggage than to walk around topless? No.
For women, it gets a little trickier. Walking around shirtless might draw a few negative stares and maybe some profane remarks. Bras should be worn, but flaunting that big belly and shaking what your mama gave you is the way to go.
The most obvious choice is hanging out with skinny people.
One day, hang around five of the most undernourished people you know and you’ll be sticking out like a sore thumb in no time. To stand out even more, wear a bright color, like orange or yellow.
There’s nothing that catches more eyes than a fat person in a yellow body suit with a bunch of anorexic folks walking behind them.
How to hide it
The first option is the ever-ready sweats.
Warm, stretchable and baggy: Can sweats get any better?
These fuzzy garments will hide that extra baggage and make you look like an athlete in the process.
Another way to go is hanging around bigger people.
No one will be looking at the 10 lbs. you put on if all the people around you are 320 lbs.
A final option that should only be used in extreme cases is the hang-outside-of-a-gym-with-a-protein-shake-in-your-hand approach.
This is exactly what it sounds like: An individual chills outside of a fitness center, acting like they just got done with a serious workout. What better way to finish that workout than with a protein-pumped shake? Deception is what we’re trying to achieve here. The more devious, the better.
To take it a step further, go inside the gym and sit in the sauna for about 15 minutes. Walk out with a glistening body and show people the result of the most ferocious workout of your life.
Again, this is for measures of supreme importance and should not be used on a daily basis.
Juan López can be reached at jlopez@nevadasagebrush.com.
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on Tuesday, November 25th, 2008 at 12:42 am and is filed under AE CP, Arts & Entertainment.
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