The Nevada Sagebrush

If you are like me, you’ve grown soggy over these college years with beer and pizza, and constantly tell everyone how buff you were in high school. And if you’re like me and you like vigorous sex, you’ve been in the middle of someone and your chest started to hurt and your muscles burned.

After a visit to the hospital to find out, no, you’re not having a heart attack, you thought it might be a good idea to exercise. Where do you start? Gym memberships are expensive and all those machines, smelly men and scrawny women look intimidating.

Well, for those of you who have a gym membership and for those of you destined to stay at home, here are two core exercises you can do that should get your sex muscles back into shape.

The Squat

The squat is a primary movement, meaning it trains large groups of muscles: calves, hamstrings, thighs, butt, lower back, and some abs and upper back. Squating is good for you women who enjoy towering over your men, for men who like to thrust vigorously and, of course, overall lower body stamina, flexibility and strength. As an added bonus it’ll make your butt look fabulous.

There are several different types of squats. I suggest looking them up online or asking a trainer, or burly friend, for help as it can be dangerous if you try to add a bunch of weight on your first try and do it wrong. But the basics are essential, and you can do these at home or in a gym. Grab a bar (35, 45 or 55 pounds depending on the length and girth) or broom handle (1, 2 or 3 pounds), hold it to your shoulder blades and sit down on an imaginary chair.

The most important part of this exercise is to keep your back as straight as possible without leaning forward and to bend your legs at a 90-degree angle or more each time. There’s a lot of technique and balance involved, and if it’s hard the first time, sit on an imaginary chair with your back up against a wall to get used to the awkwardness. Do this until you’re tired every day and increase reps or weight as needed.

The Bench press

On the opposite end of the squat is the all mighty bench press. This is another core exercise that trains triceps, chest, some biceps, forearms wings and upper back. Bench pressing is much easier. Simply lie on the bench, push the bar up, stabilize it to the center of your chest, slowly let it drop to your chest and press up.

At home, pushups will do the same trick. Apply roommates, textbooks and more reps as needed. This exercise is good for you men who like to tower over your women, carry them across thresholds and, of course, for upper body stamina and flexibility.

A regular regimen of cardio, such as riding a bicycle, using one of the machines, quickly climbing up stairs on campus or chasing the campus busses up a hill for 15 minutes a day helps a lot. Doing these primary exercises should prepare you for less tiring sex or make it easier to haul an ex-girlfriend’s box of crap out the door faster.

Michael Higdon can be reached at mikeman@nevadasagebrush.com.

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