The Nevada Sagebrush

Krystal Bick

A letter from singer/actress Jessica Simpson’s fan mail:

Dear Jessica Simpson,

How dare you. No, really, how dare you. I used to be your biggest fan. Starting with your first single to the infamous “Is this chicken or fish?”, I’ve been there for you, through thick and thin.

And now look at you. You’re, well, normal looking. Normal weight, normal physique, normal size. Normal, normal, normal. Who do you think you are trying to be a normal human being? Ew, is all I can muster to say to you.

And as if that wasn’t bad enough, I have to see you every time I pass a magazine stand. There you are, looking slightly bigger than your Daisy Duke days, easily pushing about 120 or 125 pounds? Good God, girl, you let yourself go! I hope those jean cut-offs were taken away and given to a needy waif model somewhere in the Third World.

Don’t think this is serious? Any quick glance at the magazines around your blasphemous photos will show just how out of place you are. Angelina Jolie just popped out a couple of kids and you don’t see her grabbing for the cupcakes. Keira Knightley, thin as the grain of rice she just had for her entire day’s allotment of calories. And hell, I bet you could count some ribs on Octo-mom herself!

So what’s your excuse? Oh, right, Fox News tells me that your eating habits have changed and some poppycock about you not obsessing over your body. Let me put this gently, Jess. Everyone knows that actresses and models have a regimented diet, supplemented with unhealthy and excessive amounts of the following: a.) yoga b.) running c.) combination of a and b, with a splash of non-fat, low-carb, organic, calorie-free and taste-free food. Oh yeah, and probably grown by monks in South East Asia.

If followed correctly, the ideal maximum weight peaks at 100 pounds, regardless of height, body structure or size of implants.

Now, I know everyone in the biz has come to your defense. All these actresses who plead, “Oh, leave Jessica alone” with undertones of “That poor girl, I’m glad I’m not her.”

Well, let me tell you something, they did that same thing with Kate Winslet a few years back. The whopping “Titanic”star, dropped down significantly from her healthy size eight days. And now look at her. She won an Oscar the other night. Size matters, Jess.

What else is this I read the other day on Fox News? You turned down a free lifetime membership to L.A’s swankiest Holistic Health and Fitness? Oh, please, here’s perhaps the kindest act of an elite Hollywood gym extended to you, a woman who clearly didn’t care that she gained more than a pound, and you turn it down?

Such disregard makes me sick, Jessica. How do you sleep at night? Sure, you haven’t endangered national security, embezzled money or killed someone, but you are a bad, bad woman because you are the “C” word: curvy. What’s next? Your weight fluctuating (gasp!) like everyone else!

Ugh, the thought of it makes my skin crawl.

Why do I care, you ask? It’s my voyeuristic right to know about your weight. And everything you eat, anyone you date, at what speed you make U-turns, etc.

Now if you’ll excuse me, I have to go check up on Nicole Richie’s latest prego update on Perez Hilton.

An anonymous concerned fan

Krystal Bick can be reached at kbick@nevadasagebrush.com.

Related Posts:

• No Related Posts