The Nevada Sagebrush

Memo Sanchez

When I was younger I never really cleaned my room. Instead, I stuffed everything I could into my closet and under my bed, so my room would have an appearance of tidiness.

My dad would come in and give me a stern look of disapproval, telling me I could “dress a monkey in silk, but in the end it’s still a damn monkey.”

Flash forward and I’m in college. Not surprisingly, his adage still holds true. However, this time, I’m not talking about my messy room but rather about “detox” diets mislabeled as beneficial for your health.

Detox diets are extreme diet regimens that involve eating a scant variety of food items with the goals of weight loss and ridding the body of toxins.

I had an ex-girlfriend once eat nothing but maple syrup, lemon juice and cayenne pepper for 10 days. She called it the “Master Cleanse.”

After a little research, I found out Stanley Burroughs created the Master Cleanse diet in 1941 and it was made especially famous by Beyoncé in 2006.

That’s right, 1941. A time when color television, computers and (gasp) Facebook didn’t exist and we were using penicillin and sulfonamides to cure just about everything.

I thought my ex was completely out of her mind. I’m still puzzled by the phenomenon of smart, reasonable people believing they can “detox” and make up for weeks of corporeal abuse, poor dietary habits and a lack of regular physical activity through flagrant starvation.

I can’t help but laugh. People need to have a little more faith in the wonderful abilities of our organs to keep our systems clean of the schmutz we put in them.

Or maybe I’m the one in need of a paradigm shift. Maybe I’m going about this all wrong. I am a broke college student. Perhaps like the rest of the quacks in California, I need to cash in on peoples’ ignorance too!

Eureka! I’ll make a diet of my own! I’ll call it Memo’s Bitchin’ Kool-Aid Kleanse. Instead of lemons, syrup and pepper, I’ll choose oranges, salt and Kool-Aid. Everyone likes Kool-Aid.

I’ll claim that the citric acid in the oranges will chelate heavy metals in your system, the salt will keep your electrolytes in check and that the Kool-Aid is extraordinarily high in vitamin K2, which stands for Kleanse, of course.

Through this powerful triad of salutary glory you can lose 10 pounds in 10 days, while at the same time “Kleansing” your body of environmental toxins and unwanted hormones.

It’ll feel like Kool-Aid Man himself crashing into your system in a calamitous all-out assault on fat and toxins clinging like vermin to your body.

And to all the cynics who cry songs of borderline starvation, torturous deprivation and protein energy malnutrition, I say nay! It’s not starvation! No, it’s “Kleansing.” It’s good for you!

As I exploit the insecure populace who seek to hide the folly of unhealthy fasting under a banner of salubrious intent, I will always wonder how long it will take for them to see that beneath my elaborate layer of silk, lies just a damn monkey after all.

Memo Sanchez is studying nutrition and would like to remind everyone that a Memo a day keeps the doctor away. Reach him at perspectives@nevadasagebrush.com.

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