The Nevada Sagebrush

Memo Sanchez

On numerous occasions now I’ve been asked if I would like to be a distributor for a product called Monavie, a self-proclaimed antioxidant super-juice. I think because I study nutrition, people assume I will stop in my tracks and gape in awe of the mighty power of the acai berry.

I don’t think so.

While I like the taste of this slightly bitter “superjuice,” the science behind it is completely bogus – the acai berry included (despite all of their efforts in the research-for-hire arena). Big surprise, huh?

But I’m not here to debate that. I’m here to offer you Monavie distributors a counter-offer.

Since you’re probably at the very bottom of the Monavie pyramid, and I’m a poor college student, I’m thinking instead you and I need to make our own pyramid scheme for our own superjuice.

The best part about this is that I’ve already done all the thinking for you, like Monavie has.

We’ll call it something in Italian; Italy is so hot right now. I suggest “Nove Vite,” nine lives. It will feature a picture of my cat, Mischa, on the front.

Ah yes, Nove Vite, the juice that packs the antioxidants of one thousand servings of fruits and vegetables into four ounces. The juice with enough vitamins and nutrients that instead of living one pathetic worthless life, you’ll feel like you’re living the simultaneous lives of nine kings wrapped into one gloriously salubrious body.

An important part of our success is to have some obscure fruit that is foreign to Americans that we can claim has outlandish health benefits. Our superfruit should preferably be from a Third World country so we can make exaggerated claims about the positive effects our product is making on the local economy. Then we’ll film one bright-eyed and bushy-tailed worker with a brand new Nove Vite cap and say something in the indigenous language praising our glorious pyramid scheme. Next we’ll film their children, lots of Third World children. Everyone likes poor children.

In our superjuice blend, we’ll throw in all of the fruits and vegetables that are indisputably wholesome. Then we’ll claim that along with our superfruit, it will have a synergistic effect that will have you feeling like Lindsay Lohan after doing a line of coke.

Oh, and don’t worry about the science behind our superjuice. You see, these days, researchers are like statisticians; if you pay them enough, they’ll prove just about anything. I love science!

And yes, just like Monavie, Nove Vite will be structured in the multi-level-marketing fashion. So that being said, expect to maintain and rekindle many superficial relationships with your friends and family members for the end purpose of selling our product and making ourselves money. You don’t have to like them (though you should pretend you do), just convince them to sell Nove Vite.

We’ll set up an appropriate compensation plan so that you can continue to recruit distributors below you who will make you more money and solidify your place on top of our glorious pyramid. In order to convince those below us to promote our product, we’ll sell them false dreams of getting rich quick, making supplemental income and a pathetically overstated hope of one day becoming a millionaire through selling Nove Vite.

But don’t be saddened. No, you and I will have much to celebrate, my friend. After all, while all of those below us on the pyramid are chasing this false carrot on a stick, slaving away in desperation of one day escaping the drudgery of day-to-day working and living, you and I will be sippin’ on piña coladas in the Caribbean. You know, just like those rich white people we’ll feature on our DVD.

Memo Sanchez would like to remind everyone that a Memo a day keeps the doctor away. Reach him at perspectives@nevadasagebrush.com.

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