Wolf blood in food linked to campus illnesses

By: Casey Durkin

Monday, November 2, 2009 - 10:56 PM

Casey Durkin

University of Nevada, Reno school officials were placed under intense scrutiny by animal rights activists and the United States Food and Drug Administration after adding wolf blood to all food on campus starting last Friday. The Associated Students of the University of Nevada members and school officials enacted a school law that required any food item on campus to be marinated, pickled or soaked with wolf blood in an effort to raise school spirit.

“This is quite possibly the best and most proactive thing ASUN has ever done,” ASUN president Eli Reilly said.

“Though opponents of this new law have some uneasy feelings now, they will eventually come to terms that this is the best way to bolster school pride with little or no negative effects,” he said.

However, 47 students have died and 135 students are in critical care since the blood’s introduction. This is said to be a result of a multitude of diseases and poisons found within the tainted blood.

Half of the 182 casualties have been linked to lead poisoning.

Scientists studying blood samples claim that the lead is from copious amounts of silver and blue paint that appeared to be mixed in with the blood. School officials admitted over the weekend that paint was mixed in to “double the amount of school spirit” and that the paint was imported from China, but also claimed the lead poisoning is “all a big coincidence.”

“I think that the silver and blue wolf blood really works,” Shannon McGuire, a 19-year-old nursing major, said. “I have so much school spirit that I lost motor skills in my legs and don’t have enough hand-eye coordination that I can’t bathe myself or clean up the massive amounts of hair that keep falling out.”

According to the student health center, about 53 students have also contracted what doctors are calling “Wolf AIDS.” Students who have the rare disease have been reported urinating on their personal effects, having a strange fascination with the moon as well as old-woman clothing and are commonly found out of breath, convulsing near brick houses.

“I have experienced a lot of prejudice because of my condition,” said Michael Shaw, a 20-year-old finance major with Wolf AIDS. “There was this one little boy from the Davidson Academy who would always say I was trying to hurt him, and I wouldn’t be anywhere in sight. Of course, people stopped believing him and one day soon after his mangled body was found in a ditch. Though I have no clue how it happened, I think he probably deserved it.”

Aside from the effects the wolf blood has had on students, there have been drastic repercussions for the wolf population.

According to the wolf-poaching watchdog group “What Would Wolf Jesus Do,” more than 500 metric tons of wolf blood have been extracted so far, pushing the wolf death toll into the millions.

The group approximate the extinction of the species to fall somewhere around this Friday.

Casey Durkin thinks wolf blood is delicious. Reach him at cdurkin@nevadasagebrush.com.