First impressions over fries, salad challenge self image

Monday, November 16, 2009 - 1:54 AM

Carmen Thomas

In between studying, going to school, raising the kid and moving, I found time to go on a date “thing.” We went to eat and I thought sharing meals with a potential love interest would be one of the easiest things out there to do. No pressure, right? I found out otherwise and was slapped right in the face with my own gender assumptions.

I actually didn’t eat anything because I wasn’t feeling well and wanted nothing more than a couple gallons of water.

The offending suitor ordered a patty melt sandwich, substituted a salad for fries and had an iced tea to drink. I was overcome by thinking he should have ordered fries and a soda (not diet)! As I sat there watching him daintily eat his greens while squeezing lemon into his tea, I couldn’t get over the fact that if I had felt well enough to order, I would have had a steak burger. With fries and a Cherry Coke! With ranch dressing on the side!

In my studies, I read regularly about the feminization of men and it even came up in a class discussion that sometimes when men say they’re vegetarians, they’re stereotyped as gay.

Men who are vegetarians are engaging in a lifestyle and male vegetarians don’t even register on my gaydar. The suitor obviously isn’t a vegetarian since a patty melt has meat and I don’t think he’s gay either.

What did happen is that his ordering a salad and iced tea obviously made my own weight a huge issue (no pun intended). Subliminally or unconsciously, the fact that he ordered something so health-conscious is also a reflection of whom he was with: me.

What he ate did a number on my self esteem. If I had eaten my steak burger with fries, would he have said something to me about what I was eating? Would he have suggested that I needed to eat better and order a salad like him? Ultimately, my own desire for the man that I’m with to eat a manly hamburger and fries made me feel like I was the “man” in the relationship, since I didn’t care about salad as much.

As the meal wore on, I wasn’t even paying attention to our interactions because I couldn’t stop thinking about how I fit in as a woman.

I also saw his order in a rather submissive way. While he took his small bites of his sandwich, I suddenly saw myself standing over him, wearing a leather bustier, thigh-high boots, snapping a whip and yelling at him to eat like a real man.

I, honestly, am not sure if my desire for him to eat fat, greasy foods is based on my own weight and food preferences or stems from gender stereotyping. I know myself well enough to know that, more than anything, I was just with the wrong guy. If I were sitting across from a vegetarian, I would have been respectful and ordered soup or something, especially if I liked him (and if one more student on campus passes out brochures on pigs, I just might become a vegetarian myself). If I was sitting across from someone I was interested in, I probably would have been totally aware of what I was eating and would have wanted to make an “impression.”

So, what kind of impression was the suitor trying to make on me by eating salad? It felt very “in my face” that I should be more aware of what I eat. But really, I’m very aware of it; I’m the one who sees my double chin every morning. But a potential love interest isn’t supposed to make me feel so weird about myself and my own femininity.

Next time I accept a date “thing,” I’m going to make sure food isn’t involved. It seems safer to stay clear away from meal sharing until my confidence is more in tune. In the meantime, I’ll have a cheeseburger and fries with a soda that is half-real and half-diet. And a salad on the side.

Carmen Thomas is majoring in women’s studies and belly dancing. She plans to one day have her own glassblowing business in Hawaii. Reach her at perspectives@nevadasagebrush.com.