The Nevada Sagebrush

Caitlin Thomas

Most college kids are familiar with one-night stands and “friends with benefits.” Whether you go over to his house to watch that one movie you’ve both been talking about (which you can only watch in his room since all his roommates are in the living room playing “Dungeons and Dragons”) or you’re just way too trashed at a bar and go home with some guy who resembles a young Johnny Depp and smells really good (oh, vodka, you are silly!), you are going to have to deal with the awkward aftermath that follows “no-strings-attached sex.”

Though I’m not advocating sexual contact with just anyone (in other words, “sex and run”), there are people in this world who enjoy banging with zero burdens. After much Internet research, Starbucks dates with friends and stalking strangers, I’ve come up with some tips on how to achieve a successful one-night stand or friendship with benefits.

Some handle these situations with grace. They exit the next morning with a certain achieved swagger, as if they graduated with a degree in the Walk of Shame. They aren’t ashamed or embarrassed, but are instead ready to start the day. Orgasm, check! Now, off to the bank and then the grocery store.

Others aren’t always so mature. Post-sex they insist on leaving with your number and a Facebook add. When the magic is over, they linger and, worst of all, talk.

“So want to get lunch? What are you doing next weekend?”

Uh, nothing. All I want right now is to sleep for another six hours, eat that old Chinese food in the fridge and shower.

I’ve been on both ends. These situations are tricky. Every party perceives events differently, so it can be impossible to act on the same level.

The first thing to do to achieve a painless situation is to lay your cards on the table. Be clear about what you want and if it has meaning before you venture to his place to check out his vintage record collection (this is not a sexual innuendo). I know what you’re thinking: “How the hell am I supposed to achieve this while staying sexy?” Let’s face it: Nothing is more of a turn-off than talking futures before you do the deed. And I mean nothing.

So, be sly and sexy and believe in yourself. Drop hints all night and let phrases slip into certain conversations. “I just got out of a relationship. I’ve been wanting to go out and have fun for a while now,” you could mention.

If the situation is reversed, test the waters and mention an upcoming event, then study his actions and responses. If he remains mum and quiet, you’ve got yourself someone who probably isn’t looking for anything at the moment besides a warm bed. Depending on your own personal agenda, you can now choose to advance to the next level or put the game away.

This is all fine and dandy, but what about after the damage has been done? Once you are done investigating each other’s danger zones, you might be feeling a little confused about where to go next.

One factor that will provide light in a very dark setting is cuddling. Yes, cuddling. After such an exhausting work out, you both are feeling less than physical.

If he doesn’t ask you to leave post-sex, that is a good sign. The alternative is what has happened to me: “If you’re going to sleep over tonight, please be out early morning; I have work.” Those were his exact words. Ouch.

If your significant other is reaching for your warm body to spoon after you’ve forked, well, congratulations! Someone might have a crush.

The next morning, I wouldn’t recommend sticking around, no matter the circumstances. Your hair is a mess, your make-up looks like shit and your cell ran out of battery. It’s simply time to go off and re-charge. Exchange a friendly goodbye. If the person contacts you the next afternoon, you could have a blossoming romance. If they don’t contact you, no big deal. You had a good time and it’s time for the next adventure.

If they contact you only between the hours of midnight and five, someone wants seconds.

Caitlin Thomas has been going through a ’90s grunge phase and has been Photoshopping her face into pictures with Kurt Cobain all week. Tell her how awesomely ridiculous that is via Twitter at www.twitter.com/catplaymusic or reach her at perspectives@nevadasagebrush.com.

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