The Nevada Sagebrush

For your male friends:

Novelty boxer shorts ­— One of the few known facts of life is that, at some point, everyone will need to purchase some sort of novelty underpants for one reason or another. And, likewise, everyone really ought to own a pair of hilarious and/or goofy underpants, too, for emergency situations. Therefore, this holiday, help your friends get a jumpstart on preparing for any and all future scenarios in which boxer shorts with assorted rude phrases or slightly creepy cartoons will come in handy.

For your female friends:

Mix CD ­— Show your friends how much you really care by painstakingly handcrafting a compilation of all your favorite tunes for the winter. A mix CD is the perfect gift to express all of the warmth and love of a handmade present without the actual effort or craftsmanship needed to literally make something. When you present your detailed track list full of reasons why your friends should like these songs, it will appear to be quite thoughtful.

For your roommate:

Snuggie ­— What started out as the extremely laughable concept of affixing sleeves to a blanket and convincing others to pay money for the contraption has quickly become a cultural phenomenon. So, keep your friends ahead of the curve with the latest in hip apparel for those cold December evenings. An authentic Snuggie is the gift that says, “Hey, man. I have to pay for the heating bill too. Take one for the team and just wear your blanket.”

For your siblings:

Gift cards ­— You haven’t seen your little sister all semester. Why run the risk of buying her a present she’s just going to return the minute you head back to school? You can’t go wrong with a gift card to any nondescript department store. Surely any sibling will be able to find something their heart desires there, especially if it’s free of cost.

For your parents:

Baked goods ­— Really, food is the perfect present at all times. Rarely is anyone displeased when they are presented with a plate of freshly-baked cookies. Therefore, a basket full of such delicacies would be the perfect gift to bring your parents this holiday season. They’ll be exceptionally proud that you baked — even if you bought cookies at Save Mart and arranged them artfully on a plate, they’ll probably appreciate the effort. Besides, if you bring cookies home, that means there will be cookies at home. And once they’ve eaten the first one, they’re free for the taking.

For your favorite teacher:

Coffee ­— Hey, we all know that finals are coming up. It’s a rough time for everyone. Your professors will need to be alert at all hours of the day in order to read all of the essays they have to grade. While they’re brewing that pot of coffee in the middle of the night, they will be thinking highly of you, the gift-giver and essay-writer extraordinaire that you are. Perhaps you didn’t know the answer to half the questions on your history test, but your good friend George Washington probably does. Well, it’s worth a shot, isn’t it?

Casey O’Lear can be reached at colear@nevadasagebrush.com.

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