The Nevada Sagebrush

Caitlin Thomas

Bradley Nowell from Sublime (RIP) once sang, “Summer time, and the living’s easy.” Every time I hear that line, I swoon. The way he sings it makes me want to grab a beer, take my Dalmatian out (yes, I actually have one) and walk around my neighborhood starting riots. Bradley also makes me want to have his kids, along with tons of orgasms. Oh, speaking of orgasms…

I lust for summer for two reasons: One, I can drink cheap piña coladas and lay by the pool for 12 hours with zero judgments (people are so touchy during the winter!). Two, most people are extremely vulnerable over the summer.

I realize that makes me sound like a bitch who just wants to use people for sex. Allow me to explain myself. During the summer, us 20-somethings tend to lower our standards and morals. After a lengthy and harsh school year, we want to be free of order. We want to let loose. We want to get laid!

So, let me shed some more sunshine on your upcoming holiday. Here you’ll find a few tips on having a kick-ass summer. And by “kick-ass,” I mean “really slutty.”

First, I feel you should take better care of your hairy places. Women, shave your little devil. It’s not December anymore, and when you’re hooking up with your ex-boyfriend this July, don’t you want to show him how you’ve REALLY changed this time?

A Brazilian wax is a good option. It’s a goodbye to your pubic hair for up to six weeks. Plus, it all grows back in a less aggressive way, unlike with shaving, where it grows back faster and denser. Of course, it is a bit painful. But hello bikini! Believe me, it’s entirely worth it.

Men, get a haircut.

Long hair is annoying during the summer, and while I have a habit for dating dudes with shaggy hair, there is something about a fresh cut that really pulls me in. You’ll feel more comfortable and confident with a shorter do, and you’ll get more attention from the ladies.

Another tip for a sexual summer? Drink lots of water.

I know, I know, I sound like your mother. But it’s important to keep hydrated during hot months, and if you feel better, you’ll look better. Plus, while you’re drinking the water, you could pour it all over your body in slow motion. That shit works for Megan Fox all the time, so give it a go.

Also, try having sex in a pool, hot tub, lake or river.

Yes, river.

Having sex in one of these wet places makes you feel like you’re in a movie and when you look back on your summer memories, you’ll playfully giggle upon thinking about that time you were sailing down the Truckee River and ended up with a weird rash. It’s an adventure, I tell you.

Since I’ll be in summer school for the next few months, I expect you all to have tons of crazy sex for me. Feel free to e-mail me full-fledged stories and photographs. What my boyfriend doesn’t know can’t hurt him.

Kidding.

Not!

Caitlin Thomas is serious. Add her on Facebook or reach her at perspectives@nevadasagebrush.com.

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