The Nevada Sagebrush

Jay Balagna

Last week you probably read my colleague Katie Garner’s column about how much she used to hate seeing couples display affection for one another in even the subtlest ways. Well, I used to be one of those expressive people and now, as she has joined their handholding ranks, I’ve taken her place as someone alone.

I barely knew Katie a few months ago, but now she’s dating my roommate and is around as much as any other person in my life.

As her relationship with him emerged and grew, mine ended. For four-and-a-half years, I enjoyed the intimacy and partnership that she is now discovering, and life without it is proving to be a difficult adjustment.

Since I was 16 years old, I had a partner to deal with issues and problems. Life with her included some of the happiest times in my life.

Ending our relationship has been one of the more difficult ones, though, and not having her to help me through it has made it harder. Unlike Katie, I didn’t have a defiant independence to help me through life. I was used to having help but then it was gone.

For a while, I was OK with trying to deal with the emptiness on my own.

It hurt, but it was supposed to, right? But then something made me realize that I lost more than a just a girlfriend that night in August. I lost my best friend, too.

I didn’t notice at first that I was parked right by her car, but when I saw it I remembered it was her birthday. I had flashes of gifts I’d thought of buying for her, and I felt like my own bitterness had dulled enough to genuinely wish her the best in life.

I didn’t know how she felt, though, so I took a reporter’s notebook from my bag and scrawled a short, impersonal message that I left on her car before driving away.
A few hours later, I got a text message saying she’d recognize my handwriting on that scrap of paper anywhere.

I think I might have wanted her to notice it was from me. That message started a series of conversations that brought me, and I hope her, more to terms with our breakup.

More importantly, though, I feel like I have my friend back. I have someone who understands me better than anyone else, and is going through a lot of the same things.

When I told this story to another friend of mine, she warned me that this was how those terrible on-again-off-again relationships start, and I should distance myself before I got trapped.

But, as much as I trust her advice, I don’t think that’s going to happen.

My ex-girlfriend and I both know things aren’t right for us to be together right now, but we have too good of a friendship to just throw away.

Besides, things are hard enough to deal with being a stressed-out student. At least now I have my best friend again.

Jay Balagna studies art and journalism. He can be reached at jbalagna@nevadasagebrush.com.

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