It all started because of Facebook — them and their nasty habit of posting random crap I didn’t ask for on my newsfeed. My friend and I were scrolling through the feed when an advertisement for Adam LoDolce’s “Sexy Confidence” website popped up. “Sexy Confidence” is a series of four, 10 minute or less videos in which Adam “teaches” women how to find what he calls “high-quality men.” I figured the guy had to have an ego as big as Neptune if he thought he’d figured out the secret to love and dating, but just in case I was wrong, I clicked anyway. I mean, a man that practically crosses his heart and hopes to die that he can find you the love of your life can’t be totally full of bullshit … right?
Adam’s first video is about where to find these attractive, high-quality men. His second video is about common dating mistakes and the third one is about how to get men to approach you. Adam suggests getting involved in activities such as mixed martial arts (because the men are fit and active) or volunteering (because he’ll have a heart of gold) in order to meet men. However, he says you shouldn’t get involved in this activity just to meet men. You should do it for you. Now, I found that part all fine and good, but am I the only one who sees a problem with this? You join an activity because a dating coach told you to so you can meet men, but you’re not actually supposed to do it just to meet men, so you tell yourself you’re not doing it to meet men, even though you’re really doing it just to meet men.
As for dating mistakes, the idea is that women do all the wrong things (but it’s OK, because Adam can fix you), like bringing up marriage too fast and scaring guys away, sleeping with the guy too fast, not being funny enough, not being positive enough, being too distant/emotionally unavailable and not being “approachable” enough with one’s body language. Just the list of what not to do is enough to give anyone a headache.
I know that in America we like five step programs and being told that if we just follow certain directions we will automatically get success. Honestly, by following Adam’s advice you probably will find a guy, but definitely not the guy. Why? Because Adam does not teach you how to find love. He teaches you how to change everything about yourself so that you are acceptable to men. You must be smart, sexy, funny, non-threatening, outgoing, adventurous, definitely not a slut and basically a totally fucking “perfect” woman.
But what if you’re not a humorous person? What if you’re not outgoing? What if you really don’t see the world sunny-side up? And what if you follow all of Adam’s rules and change everything about yourself just so you can get a guy? Well, good for you, honey, but a wise woman once told me, “how you get a man is how you must keep him.” So, if you get a guy by being fake … when will you ever get to be real?
Trust me, if you make these changes just to get a man, and not because you have decided that you want to change as a person in order to improve your life, then the relationship is doomed before it even begins. The minute you have him, you’ll feel safe, reveal who you really are and he will be gone shortly after, because you are not even close to who he thought you were. There really is something to be said for being not only true to yourself, but making sure that you’re true to others by being honest about who you are.
I realize the point of these videos is to package and sell a service, but some things simply should not be packaged and sold. Love is not a product. It’s not that all his advice is bad — being confident in yourself and not being needy is good advice — but this kind of dating advice completely disregards the fact that we are not all the same. There is not only one type of datable woman, there is definitely not only one type of relationship and just because some of us take longer than others to find a man we really click with doesn’t mean we should all become faker than Heidi Montag’s face. I mean, I know some of us are lonely and we’re willing to try anything, but seriously: why be a plastic, cookie-cutter rendition of a woman when you can be you instead?
Lora Massey studies linguistics and Asian studies.