The April Fool’s Edition of The Nevada Sagebrush is something that is becoming very near and dear to my heart.
Giving the staff the ability to not only poke fun at recent events, but also themselves, is something we rarely get to do at this newspaper, except for when we’re under the heat of a deadline. There are many times when we have thought of headlines for grandiose situations that could have never happened in reality. With that being said, the time has come to publish those stories from the past to amaze and excite you, the readers.
So without further ado, let’s take a look back at the headlines that could have shaped the collective consciousness of those attending our great university.
NEVADA WINS NATIONAL TITLE/ J.C. WALKS ON WATER
With the hazy Los Angeles skyline serving as a backdrop, the Nevada Wolf Pack football team pulled off the most improbable victory in the history of college football. Behind the arm of fleet-footed quarterback Cody Fajardo, the Wolf Pack was able to outlast mighty Florida State in a rematch of the game earlier in the season.
However, the most remarkable thing that happened that Monday did not occur in the Rose Bowl, but rather 25.3 miles west at the Tampa Avenue bridge overlooking the Los Angeles River. Part of a tailgating group from the university, local campus icon J.C. promised that if he could cross the river without plunging into the cold depths, then the Wolf Pack would seal a victory. As you can probably surmise, J.C. was indeed successful in his task as Nevada sealed a victory later that evening.
At press time, there is currently a zealous group of J.C.’s disciples forming outside of the Joe Crowley Student Union.
BROCK HEKKING’S MULLET SEIZES CALIFORNIA
In the ensuing wake of the Wolf Pack’s victory over the Seminoles, many of the team’s members became national celebrities. Running back Don Jackson struck a deal to have his brand of mouth grill distributed throughout mall kiosks. Defensive lineman Jordan Hanson published his own poetry books to go along with his business degree.
However, none of the athletes on the team were more successful at personal branding than the master of disaster himself, Brock Hekking. The junior defensive end’s off-the-field persona became so over that the top, the mullet actually detached itself from Hekking’s scalp. The piece of precisely groomed follicles developed sentience not long afterwards thanks to the numerous sources of bacteria, hair gels and perspiration that had formed over time. However, things started to get a little hairy after the separation. Seeking to expand its own brand and distance itself from Hekking, the mullet organized its own guerrilla war regime with the goal of capturing the California state capital of Sacramento, according to sources inside the mullet’s inner-circle.
At press time, progress for the hair follicle has been stagnant thanks to lacking forms of bipedal movement and not possessing a voice box.
Justin Bieber headlines Blue Tie Ball
With last week’s Blue Tie Ball a roaring success, much of the credit has been attributed to recently-freed pop star Justin Bieber’s surprise performance. Amidst media frenzy, the “Biebs” piloted a jet from Australia to Reno under the cover of darkness.
With numerous members of the athletic department unaware of the star’s presence (except athletic director Doug Knuth, the mastermind behind the situation) Bieber entered the stage to raucous applause (and some boo’s). While the star’s performance was less than spectacular (he argued with audience members about whether or not he had been to Reno and almost got into a fight with soccer player Chelsea Fricke), it still entertained the audience.
One source close to the event likened it to “a car crash in a slow-motion, albeit a car with beautiful hair.” Proceeds from the event were at an all-time high due to various older members of the audience wanting to help the disgruntled pop sensation.
There are now scattered reports of the star running through the Nevada desert, abducted by a band of raccoons or holed up inside of The Little Nugget downtown.
UNLV athletics re-classified as Division II
Thanks to a recent report that the UNLV football team might not have met the qualifying academic standard for a Division I squad, the Rebels athletic department as a whole has decided to take an entire step back.
According to a press release from the UNLV president’s office, the reasons behind this historic move were the following: apathy from local community for sports besides basketball, fan support at an all-time low and, as one Las Vegan put it, “Who cares?”
Or, another stated, “I am so wasted I have no idea where I am right now.”
Even though this is an April Fool’s edition of The Nevada Sagebrush, the reality might not be as far away as you think.
Chris Boline can be reached at firstname.lastname@example.org.