By Ryan Suppe
My brothers, the time has come to bury your insecurities, squash your dreams of thick, curly locks and accept your fate of male-pattern baldness.
You may still be growing taller, but your hair is not getting any longer. You can curse the gods and your mom’s dad’s hair genes. However, at some point you will realize that you’ve not been cursed but blessed with a wonderful gift. Costs of shampoo, combs and haircuts aside, you join the ranks of some of the greatest men in history.
Winston Churchill, the Dalai Lama, Marc Johnson, Larry David, Patrick Stewart and, of course, Tim Howard. These figures conjure adjectives like authoritative, respected, powerful and bald.
Why are these bald men so great? Because they don’t have to worry about their hair. When they wake up in the morning, they say to themselves things like “I’m bald, but I’m beautiful,” or “You can’t judge a man by his scalp.”
Instead of wasting time on grooming they can focus their efforts on stopping Hitler from taking over the world, creating brilliantly funny sitcoms and keeping the United States in the World Cup when they are obviously overmatched against better European teams. That could be you. It will be you.
If you don’t believe me, think about some of the men you know who can’t accept their baldness: Wayne Rooney, Woody Allen and Donald Trump. These men are consumed by aesthetics. Comb-overs and hair pieces won’t save them. Trying to cover it up only makes your baldness more obvious.
Rooney is no longer known for his soccer skills, but instead his familiarity with hair-growing products. Trump will absolutely not have my vote in 2016 because a man with such extreme hair insecurities should not hold the most powerful office in the world. His plan to fight baldness is as good as his plan to fight ISIS.
It won’t be easy. Accepting baldness is like when Batman flies the atomic bomb over the water in The Dark Knight Rises. Just when you think Bruce Wayne has met his end, you realize he fixed the autopilot. You too have an autopilot. Turn it on and let you hormones do their thing. You can’t stop it. You don’t have to go down with the ship. There are more important things in life than hair. There’s world peace, Seinfeld and the University of Nevada, Reno to worry about.
For those of you, like me, who still have a few years of hair left, I have some advice. Take as many pictures of yourself as you can to show your future kids that you used to be good looking. Don’t try to grow your hair out as one last hoorah, it looks terrible. Start working on an amazing hat collection now. Tell yourself that receding hairlines look “distinguished.” Be proud and let your head shine loud. And remember that you’re in good company.
Ryan Suppe studies journalism he can be reached at firstname.lastname@example.org and on twitter at @salsuppe.