By Ali Schultz

legend has it that nestled in the towering trees by Scrugham Engineering and Mines lies a little red book.

Many students do not know of the existence of the book, nor do they know all that inhabits the pages inside.

Stories of the book claim it has been up there for decades. Nevada students climb the tree to reveal the secrets inside and also write some of their own. 

I am sure some of you are baffled to hear of this little on-campus mystery. Some of you probably are questioning if I’m BS’ing you right now, but I assure you, folks. You don’t have to take my word for it. Take a look for yourselves.

I saw it as my call to action to do a little digging.

Now, sorry to disappoint, but my stubby 5-foot body was not going to scale the tree any time soon. You bet your ass I am no Bear Grylls.

It is safe to say I am not one for close encounters with rabid squirrels, nor am I a fan of splinters. I do not particularly like heights, and my kind of adventure does not extend much further than Wednesday-night karaoke at El Cortez. 

However, after hearing of the book, it began to consume my thoughts. I, like some others, consider myself a bit of a dreamer. Imagination fuels my fire. So I did what any other who operates this way would do. I lit a fire under my ass and I sat down to begin jotting down everything I could imagine being in this little gem of the University of Nevada, Reno.

I am led to believe the little red book has the ability to foresee the future. The book would have no choice but to touch on a few of these native university things.

Mostly written in first person, there is a section devoted to the life and times of Brian Kehoe. One of my personal favorite sections, this part will explore the many different phases of Brian Kehoe. Some of the projected highlights will be the Janice Dickinson Kehoe, the Frat Star Kehoe and the Up Til’ Dawn Kehoe. In the future, this chapter will be a favorite amongst the Sigma Nus and freshman girls, of course.

I flip a few pages. Now, who the hell can say they don’t enjoy a good Archie’s meal? I am just taking an educated guess here, but Archie’s has to have a secret menu. First Starbucks, then McDonald’s — there’s no way Archies isn’t also stashing the goods. The secret menu inscribed gives away the mean recipe for the Archie’s signature bloody mary. I’m going to take a stab at it and guess this secret menu also holds some sweet breakfast options.

555 Putnam is praised in the book as a future haven for underage house parties. (Freshmen, I am so sorry you will no longer experience this). Playing Where’s Waldo Kendall Jenner Edition at 555 was among one of my favorite hobbies. You couldn’t hide behind that gray sweatshirt, K. Not even one too many AMFs could fool us.

You bet the book also advised students to attend the soccer parties right around the corner, despite being the only college party ever to charge a fee for admittance. Let me just say despite the straight-legged sweats these soccer places sport, they know what they’re doing.

Also, a special sermon for the Wolf Den is given. I believe it reads something like this: “Liquor license soon to be gone, but never forgotten.” *Disclaimer* Unless you were there for roof-deck happy hour.

The book tells of some man posed as a savior running for ASUN office (but losing). The man they predict dresses in religious garb and preaches sermons at football games to the few stragglers who survive the tailgate. But a disclaimer reads loud and bold:

“Be careful, the almighty one appears to lose his cool when you don’t address him by his initials.”

Preliminary blueprints to Joe Crowley’s future business endeavors were definitely not left out. Crowley was probably using the papers of the red book in more ways than one, if you catch my drift.

The book predicts of vehicles taking on water in failed attempts. Jeeps in college apartment pools seem most inclined to fulfill this prophecy.

“Dear diary” entries of past sexual encounters of past sex columnists of  The Nevada Sagebrush take up a hefty chunk of the book. The do’s and don’ts for freshmen and upperclassmen alike. Thank you very much.

The book would include a step-by-step guide to sneaking into the Wal. It would advise to go early, before security guards the door. There would then be a detailed description of how to successfully lock yourselves in the bathrooms and position yourselves standing on the toilets in order to avoid the wrath the security guards have for underage Wal-goers.

The book forecasts the outcome for the 2015 cannon game against our down-south rivals. The prophetic book nestled high in those trees by Scrugham is all in favor of Big Blue this year for our Beat UNLV game. UNLV, you haven’t been cool since the ’90s, so stop trying to make it happen. It’s not going to happen.

These are only a few of the things I feel I can share with you. All just guesses, folks, so don’t just take my word for it. Discover what the red book holds.

A university adventure awaits.

Ali Schultz studies journalism. She can be reached at alexandraschultz@unr.edu or on Twitter at  @AliSchultzzz.