More than a year of the 2016 election cycle has undoubtedly left many Americans feeling anxious, stressed or even downright angry. By Tuesday night, it will be over. We will have a new president-elect, and in the absence questions such as “who should I vote for?” or “what the f**k is happening?” we will be faced with the question of how to recover some semblance of the innocence we have lost over the past 19 months.
Here are some ways in which we can all take a proverbial deep breath and face 2017 with fresher minds.
1. take a relaxing bubble bath, in your own tears
Let’s be honest: no matter how the election turns out, tears will be shed. Crying can be cathartic. Embrace it. If you would like to increase the cathartic value of your tears, weep into your bathtub. Add hot water and your favorite essential oils, and soak for several hours. You will emerge cleansed inside and out.
2. Get in touch with your inner child
Take a much-needed break from grappling with the existential threats posed by the election and remember that you were once a vibrant youth — your ears free from vitriolic political attacks, your face unwrinkled by worry lines, the sparkle in your eyes not yet dulled by the endless sight of a sentient, racist carrot. This is the you that must be rediscovered. There are many ways in which you can accomplish this, but we recommend expelling all that negative energy the old-fashioned way: at your favorite playground.
Hopefully, your favorite playground has survived the riotous onslaught of disgruntled Trump supporters. Find the pieces that have not been burnt to the ground and play away! If it’s been so long that you find yourself not knowing where to start, allow us to make some recommendations:
– Find a swingset. Swing so high that you are close to swinging all the way around the top of the set. When you reach the pinnacle of your mighty swing, let go. Allow yourself to fly through the air. Pray you make it to Canada, into the loving and chiseled arms of Justin Trudeau.
– Get on a merry-go-round. Not the kind with fanciful horses, but the kind that is essentially a spinning platform of certain doom. Spin. Spin faster. Faster! You have now created your own vortex. Slip away into the void.
3. Improve your diet
Fruit can have a great effect on your mental state, specifically grapes, specifically when they have been fermented. (Nudge nudge, wink wink).
4. Distract yourself with things that aren’t related to the election
Regardless of how stressed American politics have made you feel, it’s good to remind yourself that we don’t live in a vacuum. There is a big wide world outside America! It is wondrous! For instance, there are more than 900,000 kinds of insects in the world. Amazing! Humans shed 40 pounds of skin each year. Amazing, also disgusting! We will all eventually meet our demise, regardless of who is president. Breathtaking! Literally!
Memento mori, bruh.
5. Be proud of yourself
You made it. This has been a long, treacherous road filled with a veritable menagerie of beasts (Bernie Bros! White feminism! Blatant racism!). But the beasts no longer growl in the night, disrupting your slumber. You have defeated them. You are a warrior. Allow yourself to swell with pride. Let the pride fill you like sweet, sweet jelly. Admire your sensual, swollen form! You deserve it.
The editorial board can be reached at firstname.lastname@example.org and on Twitter @TheSagebrush.