By Joey Lovato & Thyne
With the end of the semester coming up, a lot of people will be leaving the university and moving on to bigger and better things. That’s why I think it’s important to feel secure. When you walk out the door that first day after graduation, you want to know where everything is. Having stuff just flop about in the breeze is not how you want to approach life. Everything needs to be locked down and held tight; it’s the only way to guarantee you will feel secure when facing the vast expanse in front of you. Whether you’re going to start your life as a teacher, analyze data for a Fortune 500 company, design a solar-powered tea cup, or curate the bones of a dead king in a museum, everyone needs that feeling of security. It’s what keeps our graduates here at the University of Nevada, Reno, continually entering the working force at the top of their fields.
You don’t need anything too long, it can be short. As long as it’s tight, you know you’ll be ready for whatever challenges await you in the near future. Having a nice defined outline is always important. It really lets people know what you’re working with. It’s like you’re telling them, “Hey, this is who I am! I’m not ashamed of that. Just because I’m pointing this way or that, just because there is a curve or a bend here or there, doesn’t mean I don’t know how to use the resources at my disposal. No one knows how to impress you with what I’ve got like me.”
Some people may think that if you’ve got more material that’s a bit looser, then you can just tackle life as it throws hurdles at you, but when you’re jumping over those hurdles you don’t want anything hanging down, potentially leading to disaster. Some may say that when they have a looser feel it’s because they are more confident in their abilities to show people who they really are. I disagree. When you know exactly where everything is, that’s when you’re at your best. When it is time to experience some freedom and let loose, you don’t have to check for anything that may have snuck up on you when you weren’t paying attention. You don’t want stuff bunching up on you and making life uncomfortable for everyone around you, including yourself.
That’s why I think that briefs are the best underwear. Whatever you call them, tighty whities, whitie tighties, butt huggers, skivvies, drawers, or undies, briefs (as I like to call them) are the way to go. They are the only underwear that you should be wearing when you walk across that stage and grab that diploma come later this May. When you’re faced with the harsh reality of life, make sure you know where everything is. Briefs are the way to do that.
Boxers are clearly the smarter choice when it comes to men’s undergarments. They allow you freedom. You have the space to be comfortable. You can finally relax. One could even argue, perhaps, that boxers are similar to graduating.
Once you put on your first pair of boxers, nothing is holding you back anymore. Briefs are claustrophobic, like a Nye Hall dorm room. Briefs are stifling, like all of the busy work you had to cancel plans to finish. Briefs are irritating, like eating Pop Tarts every day for four years. Briefs are clingy, like your ex from sophomore year. Briefs are dictatorial, like a professor who demands too much. Briefs are intended for a younger you, like that time you drank too much jungle juice at that frat party and threw up all over your apartment.
And sure you’re saying goodbye to a certain amount of support. You won’t have a reliable jock to bolster you. Similarly, it was nice to have your parents still contribute to your finances. It was nice to have a specific purpose with a school schedule. It was nice knowing that your team of consistent friends you have garnered over the past four years would always be there for you.
But no underwear lasts forever. Even the strongest briefs tear eventually and you need to throw them away. But you knew that they were going to rip as soon as you put them on. Still, you put them on anyway, in spite of their ephemerality, and perhaps, precisely because of their ephemerality, for their brevity made the time even more precious. And I know it’s scary, to say goodbye to one type of underwear that you have grown so attached to. It’s scary to move on to a brand new type of underwear, a type of underwear you’re not comfortable with.
At this point, you may question why you even put on underwear in the first place. Underwear is expensive, and did you really get anything out of it? You might have wished you said screw it and gone commando. But deep down, you’re glad that you did.
Most importantly, those who wear boxers have a higher sperm count. Think of all the seeds you will sow once you switch to boxers. Think of all the different versions of you that can go out into the world.
So when you walk across the stage at graduation, make sure to wear boxers under your gown. As you feel the spring Nevada breeze through your loins, let your mind run rampant with all the endless possibilities that lay ahead of you.
I recommend Fruit of the Loom.