Research has shown that graduating from college is directly correlated with mouth-breathing. Once you graduate the magic is gone.Your spirit leaves you like it was sucked out by a dementor. Everything you used to do that made you look cool now makes you look like a try hard or a weird mid-20-year old. The things that used to be acceptable as a college student now will likely get the cops called on you like dancing on tables at bars or urinating in public.
You graduating seniors are going through a big lifestyle change. It’s going to be the hardest transition of your life – harder than puberty probably. But I have a solution to that problem for you: don’t graduate. Add an art history minor and stick around for another year. Here are a few good reasons why:
In college Marc Johnson is your president, not Trump and the world is nicer
Besides parking services persecution and intense women’s studies discussions the world generally seems like a nicer place when you’re in college. There’s no war, genocide or tax reform. There’s no “Mother of all Bombs,” only mothers sending bomb care packages. Our president doesn’t take away our health care, he has pizza with us and answers questions about open enrollment dates. The real world is scary. I’d rather stay here and put that off for a little while.
You can stick it to Obama and those 15 to finish, left-wing, parental-governing brown nosers
I’m not graduating because I’m not going to let the East Coast elites in Washington tell me how long I should take to finish my degree. Does Barack pay my tuition? No. Did Pelosi write my 15-page research paper on how Winston Churchill defeated Hitler and saved the world while drunk in his bathtub? I think not. Did Chuck Schumer endure four years of the digestive sadism that is Overlook pizza? No way. He eats tuna tartare fresh from the Potomac on a daily basis. I’m taking my time just to spite them.
What about your Amazon Prime membership student discount?
Student discounts are incomparably wonderful. Amazon, Apple, Raley’s and no income tax on campus jobs. The market loves students. Once you graduate that’s all over. Capitalism is punishing and merciless. The American dream is dead. In the words of the great street rat and economic opportunist Aladdin, “I can show you the world,” and it’s right here in between N. Virginia and Evans.