The devil dresses as drunken sorority girl for Halloween
At his annual Halloween party, Satan chose the costume of an intoxicated coed.
“I thought it would be interesting if I turned the tables,” Lucifer said. “Every year sorority sisters dress as me for Halloween. It’s mean. To dress up as someone is to dehumanize them, it turns them into a caricature. It really hurts my feelings.”
Beelzebub wore a blonde wig, a crop top, high waisted jean shorts, Birkenstocks and too much glitter eye shadow. All night, he took pictures of himself and was heard saying things like “I literally can’t even” and referring to others as “bae.”
This year was the first year George Michael attended Hell’s Halloween party. He dressed as “The Dude” from the Big Lebowski.
“It was pretty fun,” the recently deceased artist said. “I played bobbing for apples. I ate some pigs in a blanket. You know, Hell gets a bad rep, but it’s really not that bad.”
Satan really committed to the bit, spending the whole night drinking Red Bull Jägerbombs and Four Lokos and telling strangers in the bathroom how pretty they are. He was last seen on the floor next to the toilet, vomiting and crying.
Nation’s moms worry about poison, needles and gluten in trick-or-treat candy
Moms across the nation are especially worried this Halloween about their children receiving poisonous, needle-lined and now non-gluten-free candy while trick-or-treating, considering recent worldwide trends in terrorism.
Concerned mothers have obsessively done security screenings of candy sacks, rubbing them down checking for pins and needles, despite the facts that statistics show nobody has ever put needles or pins in candy. But this year, mothers have a new fear: non-gluten free candy being maliciously passed out to their children with sensitive stomachs.
“There are some sick people out there,” said Janice Bowman, whose son Caleb is dressing as Batman (the new Ben Affleck version) and suffers from irritable bowel syndrome. “They’d like to give my son gluten. Why? Because they’re terrorists who have some sort of hatred for sensible diet restrictions.”
Homeowner associations have set up temporary emergency call centers, and emergency gluten-consumption-bowel-rectification centers in their neighborhoods in case of an attack.
At press time, Caleb reportedly ate a shit-ton of meat-lovers pizza at his friend Lorenzo’s Halloween party and absolutely destroyed Lorenzo’s parents’ bathroom.
Students working to circumvent fence blocking Joe roundabout
Campus facilities services and students who get picked up at the roundabout in front of the Joe have had a long and tense relationship concerning whether students should be allowed to be picked up at the roundabout. Facilities services took the upper hand this week in a ballsy move to build a fence, blocking students from being picked up in that location.
The issue has been a divisive one in recent years. ASUN President Teixeira campaigned on a “build the fence” platform. Some experts say he won the election thanks to his roundabout security policies.
However, students who get picked up at the roundabout aren’t going to give up their rights that easily.
One aeronautical engineering student, Devin Stanley, is planning to build a jetpack that will allow him to fly over the fence. Jasmine Wallace, a landscape architecture student, has a team working around the clock to build underground tunnels under the fence.
At press time, students were seen walking around the fence. Campus Facilities Services could not be reached for comment.
Ryan Suppe and Joey Thyne study astrology. They can be reached at firstname.lastname@example.org and on Twitter @salsuppe and @Joey_Thyne.
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