International

Airline passenger: ‘Everyone just adores my new perfume’

Kelly Ranknose from Newark, New Jersey wears Elizabeth Arden M by Mariah Carey Eau de Parfum Spray, and she can tell that everyone just adores it. That’s why she decided to apply an extra squirt of the perfume before her 14-hour international flight to Amsterdam over the holiday.

“This perfume is the one,” said Ranknose, who has been searching for the right perfume for decades and was immediately entranced when she first smelled Elizabeth Arden M by Mariah Carey at the Sephora outlet in the Newark Liberty International Airport 30 minutes before her flight. “The fragrance is almost overwhelmingly sweet, but somehow you never get overwhelmed.”

Ranknose loves the smell so much she even bought a travel-sized bottle in case it wears off throughout the day, which she did end up using in the airplane bathroom halfway through the flight.

“I think the food they served on the flight must’ve been bad because everybody looked sick, and I thought I heard someone throwing up in the bathroom I had just been in,”  Ranknose said. “It’s a shame, but I’m happy I didn’t eat anything. I get all the flavors of roasted marshmallows, raspberry and cotton candy from my perfume, so I wasn’t hungry.”

At press time, the plane reportedly had to make an emergency landing in Greenland when a passenger deployed the plane’s oxygen masks because they were having trouble breathing and thought there might be a gas leak somewhere on the aircraft.

A bottle of Elizabeth Arden M by Mariah Carey Eau de Parfum Spray in its original form. Cosmopolitan Magazine said this is the fruitiest perfume they’ve ever smelled, and their reviewer found out the hard way how much it attracts bees.

National

Christmas comes prematurely

With radio stations already playing “All I Want for Christmas is You” by Mariah Carey and Walmarts nationwide placing out animatronic deer, it’s undeniable: Christmas has come prematurely this year.

Dave Yeary, the owner of a Des Moines CVS, looked flustered as Fake News reporters accused him of setting out Christmas merchandise before Thanksgiving.

“This never happens I swear,” Yeary said. “I just haven’t decorated in so long. Some people take it as a compliment to be so eager for the holidays, you know.”

Patti McMullan of Indianapolis is less keen on jumping the Yuletide gun. She tried shopping at Sears but was abruptly halted when she realized clothes had been replaced by an overabundance of lights and garland.

“I was just getting started and then I realized it was already over,” McMullan said. “Needless to say I was left unsatisfied.”

Some store owners have taken the experts’ advice to decorate in the privacy of their own homes to prevent hasty decorating for others.

Local

Coach Norvell disappointed Fremont Cannon only shoots blanks following win over UNLV

First year Nevada Football coach Jay Norvell was disappointed this weekend after his team’s victory over in-state rival UNLV when he realized the legendary trophy, the Fremont Cannon, only shoots blanks.

Norvell said he was hoping that firing off a real-life cannon would help the team let out some frustration after a 3-9 season.

But, the cannon isn’t equipped to shoot actual cannon-balls. Locals know it must compensate with a 200-decibel blank cartridge that scares the piss out of everyone in the stadium after a rare Wolf Pack touchdown.

“I’ve been looking forward to this game all season because I wanted to shoot that cannon,” said Norvell, who had a Civil War costume prepared and everything. “I thought the winning team got to shoot the cannon at the losing team every year. Why else would this state suck so bad at football?”

The Fremont Cannon responded to Norvell’s comments, saying nobody is more disappointed than the cannon himself who has always wanted to have a son to pass on the family business but cannot considering his impotence.

Ryan Suppe and Joey Thyne study astrology. They can be reached at rsuppe@sagebrush.unr.edu and on Twitter @salsuppe and @Joey_Thyne.

Editor’s Note

“Fake news” is not real news and should not be interpreted as such. Interested in real news? Check out the news section.