Cannes Film Festival withdraws invitation for ‘Pee Tapes’
The prestigious Cannes Film Festival announced this week it will be withdrawing its invitation to screen the highly anticipated ‘Pee Tapes,’ starring Donald Trump and anonymous sex workers.
Cannes’ chief officer said their festival will only accept films with theatrical distribution in its home country France.
‘Pee Tapes’ director Viktor Popov, formerly whiz kid of the KGB, initiated a limited release after it leaked to Russian internet content providers, but hasn’t penned a deal with any international film industries.
Anonymous sex worker 1 said she is anxious for ‘Pee Tapes’ to make a big splash in America.
“Mr. Trump’s hush money paid the bills for many years,” anonymous sex worker 1 said. “But, Trump said ‘Pee Tapes’ would make me rich and famous in America with many golden showers and my own reality TV show, like Kim Kardashian.”
Although ‘Pee Tapes’ is currently the number one movie in Russia, Trump is pissed about his lack of facetime in the film and refuses to allow distribution in America.
‘I’m protesting Coachella because I don’t want to give money to a homophobe,’ says kid who can’t afford Coachella tickets
This week a Daily Beast story went viral with the headline “Your Coachella Money is Going to a Right-Wing Billionaire Who Funded Anti-LGBT and Anti-Marijuana Causes” throwing music fans in a whirl.
Ethan Malone, 17 of Brentwood, CA., has wokely taken a stand against the festival, refusing to go because of his belief in pro-LGBT and pro-weed causes. In an unrelated note, totally coincidentally, Malone could not afford tickets to Coachella in the first place.
“Sorry I don’t want to give money to a bigot,” Malone said in between Juul rips. “The lineup this year isn’t even that good anyway. Except Migos. And Alt-J. And it would have been cool to see pregnant Cardi B twerking.”
Sources say Malone originally planned on going to Coachella, but his parents said they weren’t going to pay for his ticket anymore after he called his dad a “total ass munch” when he grounded him from playing Halo Reach. Malone already had his bandana and chubbies ready and his hair dreadlocked.
Malone was last seen watching Beyonce’s live streamed performance and crying alone in his bedroom. When asked about it, Malone told Fake News reporter Kenneth Lowe that his tears were for all the gay people who won’t get weed because of Coachella.
Malone told Lowe he is going to protest outside the second weekend of Coachella. “But hey, if I find a good deal from a scalper, I might as well catch King Krule.”
Cargo shorts to defy weather, science and God himself, hold out until summer
When the weather in Reno took a surprising turn this weekend, bringing snow flurries in mid-April, a pair of cargo shorts belonging to a sophomore business major was expected to retreat back to the drawer until warmer days. Instead, the shorts decided to defy the cold and all sense of reason and remain until summer.
Kennedy, the host body from whose waist the shorts hang, thought he should wear pants, considering the cold, but his Juul fits so perfectly in the right-thigh pocket. He compensated with mid-calf socks.
“My grandfather survived winter on the Eastern front during World War II,” the cargo shorts said. “The Russian died, but my grandfather went on to carry the keys, wallet, passport, snacks, mints, cigarettes, lighter, maps and three loaves of bread in the pockets of a Czech immigrant to the U.S. That’s my legacy, and I won’t let Kennedy put me back in the closet over a little snow.”
At press time, the shorts, which were purchased at Plato’s Closet for eight dollars, have vowed to remain in use through the summer and fall, and he hopes he can stick around through the winter as well, as long as Kennedy doesn’t find a girlfriend.
Ryan Suppe and Joey Thyne study astrology. They can be reached at firstname.lastname@example.org and on Twitter @salsuppe and @Joey_Thyne.
“Fake news” is not real news and should not be interpreted as such. Interested in real news? Check out the news section. Resemblance of any names to real persons is unintentional.