The simple combination of potato, hot grease and salt make french fries the greatest food invention ever. Just because a potato is put into a deep fryer though, does not mean it can be considered a french fry. French fries have three common characteristics, none of which waffle fries have.
- Amount of fries in container
When buying french fries from any place, it is expected that there is supposed to be a nice amount of fries — assuming you’re not buying kids sized fries. This is something that is expected with all types of fries. When going to McDonalds, there should be 40 or more fries in a medium or large container, going to Archies at 2 a.m. after a good Saturday out with friends the basket is full of fries. Even Del Taco and Raising Cane’s, won’t undercut you with their crinkle cut fries.
But when you order waffle fries from Chick-fil-A, you get 8 slabs of potato. To make matters worse, you can’t even pick a size. They give you the same size. The reason that cow always say “Eat mor chikin” in those Chick-fil-A commercials is to distract you from getting duped on your french fries. Stay Woke America.
- “Dip Ability”
The next important characteristic of the french fry is its “dip ability” meaning how easy it is to dip into the condiment of your choice. All other types of fries are easily able to be dipped into a container of ranch, ketchup or whatever your choice of condiment you prefer. With waffle fries that option is thrown out of the window. You either have to fold a fry like its a New York pizza to dip it or tear it into smaller pieces. Both should never have to happen.
- Each french fry is one solid piece
What in the world is the point of having holes in a fry? There isn’t one. Fries are supposed to be simple sticks of fried food. Even if you have to cut them up to be small and wimpy like In-n-Out fries, it is acceptable. Waffles fries are like those sweaters have holes in them, not fulfilling the their sole purpose of keeping you warm. If waffle fries weren’t giant, it would solve all of my problems with them, but at that point, just make regular fries.
Chicken fries from Burger King are more french fries than Chick-fil-A’s waffle fries. Waffle fries may be good potatoes but they are not good french fries. Which is something to keep in mind before everyone gets mad at me.
What waffle fries need is a name change, similar to what UNLV did. When UNLV was Nevada Southern, it was a disgrace to the University of Nevada, Reno name. If waffle fries change their name to potato slices or potato wedges’ less ugly cousin then talk to me about where waffle fries stand.
If you read far to this part and still decide to come at me sideways, my twitter is @dstrugs and we can go on from there.
Darion Strugs can be reached at firstname.lastname@example.org and on Twitter @dstrugs.