In times like these, who are we to turn to for the answers? Who do we look to for an example of how to live our lives in a dark and uncertain era? Some turn to politicians. Some turn to scientists. Some turn to religion. But most of us get our answers from celebrities, who since day one of this outbreak have been fighting an uphill battle to defeat coronavirus so we may all return to our daily routines of going to movie theaters and worshipping them.
Nietzsche said God is dead—and we killed him. I don’t read books, so I don’t really know what he’s talking about, but if he’s right, then have no fear. Celebrities, the New Gods, are here to guide us weak and stupid sheep along the path to success and greatness.
Gal Gadot, former member of Israeli Defense Forces, returned to the line of duty to make a big sacrifice. She turned on her iPhone, looked straight into it, and kind of mumbled the lyrics to notorious wife-beater and bad dad John Lennon’s classic peace anthem “Imagine.” This has completely shaken coronavirus to its core, and it soon will probably cower and return to whatever horrible void it sprung from.
Gadot’s brave stance, made even more brave by the fact she’s not even a vocalist (at all), has sparked an international movement of celebrities just kind of awkwardly singing parts of “Imagine” into their phone, in the hopes the power of their own lack of self-awareness will drive coronavirus to wince until it implodes into itself. “Imagine there’s no heaven” is something every person whose grandparents are dying in an overcrowded hospital should probably hear. It’s a good way to prep for the worst case scenario, after all. Good job, Gal! Good job, everybody!
Arnold Schwarzenegger has taken a powerful stance in support of social distancing. He is currently holed up in a 14,000 square foot estate with a surplus of private land surrounding it, encouraging everyone to stay the frick inside. Schwarzenegger showed everyone how easy it is to hang out indoors by smoking a stogie in the outdoor jacuzzi in his backyard and feeding his stable of farm animals. Conor McGregor and other athletes have also jumped on board. McGregor urged the people of Ireland to stay strong and get through this thing together, while making sure to include that we all must remember our physical health and fitness. McGregor announced this in an Instagram video shot inside his private training gym, presumably with one of his full-time personal trainers holding the camera. It’s not so hard!
Steph Curry is also stepping up to the plate for us. Curry, now that basketball is cancelled, took the time to dust off the old journalism hat and put it on before he interviewed Dr. Anthony Fauci of the CDC over FaceTime. Just in case you thought Fauci was busy trying to contain and better understand the coronavirus, don’t worry: he’s making time to talk to sports stars to make sure the Dubs Nation knows what’s going on. Curry is one of the best shooters in b-ball, and now he’s a junior reporter, too. What can’t he do?
John Krasinski is also doing some great investigative work. By simply putting the word out on his social media, he has been able to get thousands of submissions of “feel-good,” sappy bullsh*t news stories to make sure we all know that good things still happen sometimes, even if there is a global pandemic. And these stories aren’t even his—he’s just finding them and telling you about them (without links!) on a YouTube video. It’s just that kind of masturbatory, self-aggrandizing, condescending and infantilizing sh*t that would usually make you go “Wow, f*ck you!” But it’s Jim from “The Office,” so it’s actually really cool and awesome. It’s what we need right now.
American businessman and billionaire entertainment magnate David Geffen reached out via an Instagram post to make sure everyone knew he was safe and secure on his private yacht currently docked in the Grenadines, wishing everyone good luck and lots of health. Thanks David! I wish I was that safe, but I have to step back and remind myself that I’m just a gross pleb. David deserves that yacht and deserves that vacation, because he produced “Beetlejuice.” The only thing I’ve ever produced is a lot of poop and this stupid article.
Basically, the celebs are just knocking it out of the park on this one and proving again that they are in fact super down-to-earth, in-touch and really are just like us. Except, of course, that they are perfect and right and we are but low swine. The Instagram, Twitter and YouTube content they provide is incredibly gracious and we’re lucky to have it to carry us through this endless dark void of corona.
Matt Cotter can be reached at email@example.com, or on Twitter @NevadaSagebrush.