A Juul and various cartridges
A Juul – a brand of electronic cigarette – and multiple cartridges. President Trump announced that the FDA would soon be banning the sale of flavored cartridges.
Vape360/Flickr

What would our society look like if we ceased to have electricity? Would I need to boil water for my coffee over an open fire, guided only by the light of a kerosene lamp? What about a society without ethics? Would people never labor to think for themselves and only take the easier route of plagiarizing their predecessors, thus ending the creation of new knowledge? What about a society without Juul? Would I go to parties and not be able to just blow clouds in the corner of the room? Would I actually need to meet new people instead of just passing around my vape between the two people I walked in with? Would I have to go back to chewing gum or stealing lollipops from pediatricians because I am addicted to constantly being stimulated by flavors?

This society, a bleak dystopia without good-tasting vapes, is the future the Trump Administration wants for us. It’s time to fight back.

Trump announced to much chagrin that the FDA will soon be banning flavored e-cigarette pods in response to recent reports of mysterious vaping related deaths.

Will this decision help to save lives? Maybe, but it will also make it a lot harder for me to blow those super cool smoke rings as a substitute to developing a personality. So it’s impossible to say whether this idea is good or not. 

I highly doubt this change in policy will do anything besides restrict the freedoms of responsible Juul owners. If a criminal wants to get their hands on bubblegum flavored cartridges they’ll find a way through the black market. The people who will be hurt most by this are law-abiding Americans like me who only want to vape to look cool on Tinder or in-between rounds of Apex Legends. 

To me, this ban strikes me as hypocritical. I guess if we’re going to ban e-cigarettes because they killed some people then we should just ban guns too, huh? Only some hair-brained opinion editor writing some sort of sarcastic sidebar would suggest something so un-American.

Trump leaves us no choice, and in order to take back this country from the Juul-less bureaucrats at the FDA all patriotic vapers need to stand together. I’d suggest a march on Washington but my lungs aren’t healthy enough for all that cardio. We as Americans must follow in the footsteps of the people who defended cigarettes, fossil fuels and private ownership of assault rifles to once again protect our right to be killed by something entirely preventable.

Vincent Rendon can be reached at vrendon@sagebrush.unr.edu or on Twitter @vincesagebrush.