“How are you going to give that man one million chances but I only get one?”
That was the question swirling in my head after I got cut off from a group of friends I thought were in it for the long haul. It happened so fast—one misstep, one argument and suddenly I was the outcast. No second chances, little-to-no explanations, just a cold cut-off. Meanwhile, the same girl who shut me out had just gone back to her on-again, off-again boyfriend.
It was a late Friday night when I realized just how twisted the whole situation was. I sat on my couch, scrolling through social media, watching their stories from a girls’ night that used to include me. Just months before, I was the one sitting next to them, chatting and mingling, offering my support as they talked. We spent time dissecting the situation, validating her feelings and talking about how she deserved better.
But when I messed up? One mistake, and that was it.
It begs the question: Why do we, as women, hold each other to such a high standard, while we give men seemingly unlimited chances to redeem themselves? Why is it so easy to forgive someone who has repeatedly hurt us, but when a friend slips up, the door slams shut and that’s the end?
It’s a pattern I’ve seen over and over, and if I’m being honest I’ve been guilty of it too – I’ve sat by and given men chance after chance, but have been harsher with my girl friends when they make a mistake. But in this case, it hit differently. I felt betrayed by someone I was beginning to get close with, and the reason for it felt hypocritical. I have friends that stayed close with them, and I now have to navigate the weird in-between of knowing they are allowed their own friendships while feeling like I’m slowly being erased.
I keep asking myself why it’s so easy to fall back into old patterns with men, but most friendships don’t get that same luxury? We bend, we stretch, we make excuses for romantic partners, but when it comes to our girls, it’s one wrong move and we’re out. The second I faltered, I became disposable.
The truth is, women are harder on each other because we hold ourselves to a standard of perfection that men rarely have to meet. We expect unwavering loyalty, unshakable support and a level of emotional care that, when broken, feels irreparable. But why? Why are we so quick to throw away something as meaningful as friendship over a single disagreement, while we’re willing to excuse the behavior of men who’ve hurt us time and time again?
I don’t have all the answers, but I see the higher standards that women hold each other to. We expect better because we know we’re capable of better. But that expectation can also set us up for disappointment when the inevitable slip up happens—because none of us are perfect, no matter how hard we try to be. And when we fall short, we cut each other off because we know what we deserve, even if we allow the men in our lives to fall short.
It’s a lesson I’m still learning—how to forgive myself for the mistake I made, how to accept that my friends are allowed to have their own friends and how to come to terms with the fact that maybe this breakup was inevitable. Maybe it was on me. But still, the question lingers: Why do I only get one chance when he gets a million?
If we can forgive a man for hurting us time and time again, maybe it’s time we start giving each other that same grace. After all, friendships are supposed to be a safe haven where we don’t have to be perfect. Until then, I’ll keep picking up the pieces and figuring out how to be okay with the hot mess I am.
After all, isn’t that what this column is about?
Confessions of a Hot Mess is a candid and relatable column by Emily Hess, where she dives into the highs and lows of navigating college life and your twenties. Through personal stories about boys, friendships, love and family, COHM unpacks the messy, beautiful chaos of growing up. From heartbreaks and betrayals to moments of self-discovery, she offers an honest look at the challenges and triumphs that come with this transformative time in life. Each week, readers can expect raw insights, witty anecdotes and reflections on the messy process of becoming.
Confessions of a Hot Mess is the personal work of Emily Hess. The opinions expressed in this column, as well as those published in The Nevada Sagebrush, are solely those of the author and do not necessarily reflect the views of The Nevada Sagebrush or its staff. Hess is a student at the University of Nevada studying journalism. She can be reached at emilyhess@sagebrush.unr.edu and on Twitter @emilyghess3.
